First Eid without my brother

Having gone through a depressive episode, I realise the habit of my mind putting myself as a victim of things and situations often. 

While I try to be kind to myself and my own feelings. I think learning to get out of that victim mindset is crucial. Because I know I am not the only one going through tough times. 

Ramadan was hard without my brother. I find myself going back and forth between an attitude of acceptance and then guilt, anger and what-ifs. 

This does not mean that I have not accepted what Allah has decreed, but my overthinking mind just takes a longer time to process. Even if it brings me one way round, I tell myself to return to being grateful. For He has shown me mercy throughout. 

I was tired. I was tired of thinking about the kids while struggling with my own thoughts and feelings, I started avoiding. Scolding myself for being sad and over-reacting when my other family members would have been affected more. 

Surah Yaseen brought me comfort during this period, knowing this is what I can do for my brother. It’s interesting how Surah Yaseen brings about both sadness and comfort. 

First day of Eid and the first house we visited, the loud sound from the TV and people talking, all those noise but my heart was empty. There was emptiness, a void that no amount of laughter or joy and number of people could fill. 

I was waiting for the presence of my brother that never arrived. 

He wasn’t a social person and that alone gave me comfort. Knowing that he wasn’t much of a talker makes me feel like it’s okay to not be. His quiet presence was what I missed. 

It was just all too suffocating, I found myself holding my breath while trying to act normal and…fit in. I soon got an opportunity to leave the house, one deep breath and the tears just started flowing. 

Looking at my parents going through that time, I felt so weak. How can I be this sad when my own parents who has lost two sons not drop a tear? Yes, they were sad, obviously heartbroken but it was never overwhelming.

Sadness isn’t weakness but it is at this point I just wished my heart was stronger.