Part 1: Dealing with Anxiety

 Social anxiety.

I grew up with low self-esteem and was a really shy kid who didn’t really talk a lot. Making friends and just letting go, being my true self was hard. I was always overthinking of what people would eventually think about me. Thinking about how I should react. What will make people like me. It was always a careful and a thorough thought, planned.

Doesn’t sound too sincere huh? Now, getting older, its just too much effort so, I just let things flow. If i have friends, I’ll do, if not…well, I don’t. Eventually, being in a social setting tires me out easily. 

But I didn’t know that I was experiencing signs of social anxiety (is it even?), I thought I was just…awkward. Someone who likes occasional socialisation, who is open when she’s comfortable but just doesn’t know how to. 

I didn’t think about looking into it deeper until last night. Different people face or experience different symptoms of social anxiety. And for me, its excessive sweating which is really something that is the worst for a female. It is not just sweat, it is stress sweat that comes with body odour. 

As an adult, I tried perfumes, deodorant and a whole lot of stuff but I have yet to find something that would help. It was more of making it worst cause stress sweat mixed with fragrance is just a death potion. 

That’s why I decided to find a medical solution for this. 

If I were to recall when was the first case for me, it would be back in secondary school. Everyday, we will have to gather at the school’s open ground for our morning assembly. And these experiences were especially frequent when I was in lower secondary because the younger levels would be at the front of the parade ground and the older ones will be at the back. So, the thought of that many people behind me, looking at me became a trigger. 

Every time we had to stand up and sing our national anthem or take our pledge, which! could go on for an hour (if we end up having to repeatedly sing cause the Principal thinks we were too soft), my legs would tremble. Really bad. Like vigorously shake. 

The moment it starts, my body would heat up and I would start sweating. It was especially bad when the weather for the day was not helping. Under the hot sun. Attire wise, the thing about our uniforms, for girls..of course, a skirt and a top. 

The thought of my back and my skirt drenched in sweat freaks me out. I find it really embarrassing and I didn’t wanna be made fun of by the boys. I hated being pointed out for such things cause back in those days, the boys would literally tease you for everything. 

I get sort of a relieve only when we start going back to class. Sitting down after all that sweating wouldn’t help because I would then try hard not to stretch my back and have sweat stains. I would still be thinking that I had gotten unwanted attention. 

Morning assemblies got better when I was a senior, because…we were at the back. Even in class, as much as I could, I would grab a seat at the back of the class. At exam halls, I would pray hard to get a sit at the back but sometimes luck’s just not on our side so there was one time I had to sit at the very front. And it just had to be my favourite subject…art. 

THIS IS GOING TO BE A LONG POST SO…Part 2.